Thursday, March 27, 2008

Science: A Matter of Taste

I know what you're thinking: "Hey, other than figuring out ways to put more DirecTV HD satellites in orbit, what good do scientists really do?" I know. I used to feel the same way. But my own recent personal experience has me thinking otherwise. Sure, it's personal, but if sharing my story here helps just one household, then it will have been worth it.

See, there are two kinds of scientists. There are the outcasts with unkempt hair who sit in rooms and get grants to try to figure stuff out like dark matter or the origins of the universe and is it collapsing in on itself or expanding at mind-numbing speed, silly stuff like that.

And then there are the real heroes. The outcasts with unkempt hair who missed the prom and the frosh mixer because they were out there, in the real world, encountering humanity's problems and using their big brains to come up with solutions.

Sure, a lot of these solutions to life's problems go under the radar, and we the people take them for granted. Cell phones, riding mowers, pre-measured dishwasher soap packets. But then, every so often, a team of nerds will put their bad-haired heads together and solve a problem to which many thought there could be no answer.

When one of our dogs started eating poop in the yard (I will not identify him by name as he is a minor, but it rhymes with Vomit), we tried everything. (By "Everything," I mean yelling "Stop that, that's disgusting!") Frustrated, with nowhere else to turn, we looked to Science to answer our prayers. And Science came through big time with Dis-Taste, a product that actually claims to make feces unpalatable. That's right, you read that correctly. At least two doctors have developed a Miracle Drug that, when administered just once a day to all the dogs in the household, combined with a healthy diet and exercise, will within eight to twelve weeks, slowly begin to produce feces that actually tastes bad to other dogs. I know! What's next?!

We have yet to see the promised effects of the product, but in all fairness we've only given it a couple weeks and there is always the possibility that this 'habit' may be the result of a serious mental problem rather than just the presence of delecious turds nearby. But we are hopeful that we will be able to put this behind us. So to speak.


Anonymous said...

That is an astounding find, Ed. I can't help but wonder whether this will cause a decline in your dog's butt hygiene. I mean, why lick your own backside once it becomes unpalatable?

Ed. said...

Okay listen, "Anonymous." I published your comment in the interest of science because you raise a good point. But you're right on the edge here. Don't take a serious topic and try to make a mockery of it!

I will forward your concern about inadvertant subsequent butt hygiene decline (ISBHD) on to both Doctors Foster and Smith and will report back on their findings, if any.